In January, while at the Soul Formation annual Spiritual Director’s retreat, I sensed some kind of personal change brewing but unsure what that looked like. I asked God if maybe he had an idea.
Later that day while out for a walk I saw in my imagination a picture of a saddle coming off a horse. My body sighed deeply from head to toe. I have taken a saddle off a horse many, many, times when their job was done for the day. The thought that this was my time to be done began to stir.
Later that week a friend passed on these words from the Celtic Daily prayer, written by Roland Walls in Edinburgh April 2011 shortly before he died:
“Testament to my sons and daughters, whom I bless in the Threefold name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Amen
I bequeath you my vocation…
….Keep therefore LOVE to be praised, shewn, and treasured in silence – bring all things, all mankind, all circumstances into the Light of that Love. Keep to the poverty of LOVE which is the great secret of joy, by which you will make many rich. So great is this calling that I leave you that to fail in it is worth more than success in any other. Keep to Love and LOVE keeps you and still keeps my poor soul that in earthly life so often betrayed HIM whom it loved.
May He who was transfigured by LOVE, transfigure us all as He brings us into GLORY. Amen.”
I resonated with Mr. Walls words and began to solidify plans for a sabbatical.
Then, in the wee hours of the night, my mind got busy with all the “Who am I? What-ifs? and Shoulds!” Who was I to think God was directing me? I just have an overactive imagination that wants a break! I should be building on that small bit of retirement!
After a couple of these restless nights, I woke at four a.m. to a familiar, gentle, voice in my mind. “Nita, the same way you heard well in 2008 you hear now.” My body settled in the way that goes beyond circumstance.
I remembered that November day when I woke up and checked in with God, “Whatcha got?” Pause, then felt, more than heard, a distinct warm invitation to stay home. Checking in with God in the morning is normal for me, as is the feeling of a gentle nudge this was way or that, but not often with such clarity. Curious, I paid attention, cleared two appointments off my calendar, put music on loud and sang while moving through my home.
At the end of the day I sighed deeply, thanked God for this unexpected gift and soaked up the deep settling I felt with home in order and spirit full!
Little did I know.
The next morning at 10:20 a.m. my (then) husband walked in our home ashen. I thought one of our kids died. He told me of choices he made with devastating consequences. Our world shattered in a million pieces.
Shattering, and profound loss continued for months to come.
Amidst this spinning, chaotic, grieving time, a critical piece of my survival was that day before everything came undone. God was with me. God who made a way where there was absolutely no way many times before.
And for sure I railed against him… screamed until the veins around my eyes ran red for days.
“You, who have so clearly moved on my behalf? You who brought me out of darkness, did not protect my family? Who are you??” I felt betrayed.
And yet…
In the fibers of my body I could not deny the of reality of Love. Love made a way for me out of the hopeless despair of childhood. Love introduced me to warmth, kindness, and joy that changed the trajectory of my narrative.
As days continued to unfold, I choose to lean into what I knew to be true. Sometimes it was my therapist or a friend who would help me remember what I knew.
To say the road was not smooth, is an understatement! I fumbled along trying to find my way. “Buy a puppy, sell the truck, move, don’t move, get rid of everything. (Which I still highly recommend) I just need to be a hermit. I will die if I have to live alone one more day.” Holidays were a nightmare.
I felt humbled, awkward, and embarrassed. Like a child trying to learn how to walk… one step forward and two back. As an adult the process wasn’t as cute!
In time I found a new cadence, new rhythms, a new dance. I learned new things about food and how to care for my body. Silence became a friend. The reality of how far out of control we really are and always have been was less scary.
The season of shattering passed, (as this season will too). In time I finished graduate school and built a private counseling practice.
I’ve learned the difference between trauma and suffering. Trauma happens in isolation and keeps us stuck. Trauma breeds shame, fear, and helplessness, bodies get cold, nothing feels real, or everything feels all too real, stomachs churn, anger flairs.
Suffering happens in community. Community keeps the trouble of this world from having the last word. We are created to live, to heal in relationship. Love keeps us from getting stuck in trauma. When we suffer well together, there is mercy in the midst.
Suffering holds treasures in darkness. Not treasures we are to seek… Jesus wanted the cup to pass from him… and the treasure remained.
Yes, it was imperative I listened to God in November of 2008. So, I began to look at how long it would take to close down my office and then set a date for sabbatical to begin March 11th.
Little did I know.
So thankful I had time to wind down my practice. And for sure there is work that could have continued virtually. But am not sure how much capacity I would have in this context.
Now amidst the shelter in place directive, I pray, write a bit and walk a lot. Am painting rocks, building ferry garden fences and eating good food.
My prayer is for mercy. We were not on a good trajectory as a nation before the virus hit. Families were disconnected, moving too fast. Our culture was not thriving. God help us reorganize.
Help us learn to suffer well together and find new life-giving rhythms for our lives.
Comfort the lonesome, heal the sick, stem the tide of disease.
Help us lean into Love that makes a way where it seems like there is no way.
And believe Love will hold our hope as all that can be shaken, shakes.
Nita Baer 2020